This last month has been loads of emotions. We've moved, we've started new jobs, and the kids have started a new daycare. We have had an incredible welcome to Wilmington and are loving our new city. But there's so much that hasn't been figured out yet. My job has been great. A very steep learning curve but still seeing lots of fun and interesting things. The one thing that I'm still having trouble with is Isaiah's transition to his new "school".
I have felt a wonderful sense that the kids' daycare is right where they need to be. It sits 2 minutes from my office and is an easy ride home. The staff members are calm and caring. They have some great curriculum and projects. They offer gym and music and soccer and ballet and art. And although there is so much to learn and do, the one thing they don't offer my sweet, eldest child is a built-in best friend.
Isaiah was "Big Man on Campus" when he was in Chattanooga. He was in the class with the kids he'd know since he was a year old. He knew where he stood on the totem pole there. He was confident and probably a little bossy. Now, we are standing in uncharted waters and I'm seeing that he's having a hard time getting his footing.
In my parenting thought process, I want to raise kids who know what it feels like to fail. I want them to have the fortitude to work on getting through something tough without me micromanaging the situation in their favor. I read the articles about this frequently and agree whole-heartedly. But dang it's hard when you are watching your kiddo struggle! In fact, I hate it!
We've talked to the teacher and made her aware of his struggle. She know that he doesn't have a buddy. He even cried when Bennett was sick and not at school because he didn't have anyone to play with at recess. Do you hear my heart ripping in half? He doesn't know that I want to stay at home with him every day just so he doesn't have to suffer. He doesn't know how many tears I've cried worrying that I have emotionally scarred him for life by making this move. He doesn't know how bad I want to say, "I'll fix this for you!"
But I won't. I know that he's having a hard time, but sometimes we have to do hard things. I know that he will get through this and that being the new kid just plain sucks! I know that kindergarten is going to be a breeze for him because he knows what it feels like to be left out, just as so many will their first week at a new school. And I hope that this will make him more compassionate to the kid that is swinging on the swings by himself and it will prompt him to join that kid and make a new friend.
I also have a running daydream that this pressure of being the new kid will turn him into a hard-nose hater who rebels at the earliest point he can and ends up a delinquent and on my couch until he's 40. Maybe I exaggerate how much this is affecting him!
I now understand why our parenting culture has gone the way of everyone gets a trophy, everyone deserves a prize, no failures, only success for everything. The reason is because we don't want to see that hurt, we don't want our sweet kids experiencing pain. We don't want to have to parent through the hard stuff, or the stuff we don't have a good answer for. We want the easy fix because we cannot guarantee the ending of how the suffering will turn out.
I'm trying to remind myself of a quote that Brad posted. This is by David Brooks:
"When most people think about the future, they dream up ways they might live happier lives. But notice this phenomenon: When people remember the crucial events that formed them, they don't usually talk about happiness. It is usually the ordeals that seem most significant. Most people shoot for happiness but feel formed through suffering."
I want Isaiah to grow from the struggle. I want him to find new ways to make friends. I want him to know that he is amazing and my hero for trying to have a good day, even when it's hard. I tell him this before he leaves every morning. And he smiles. And I know that he's going to be okay...maybe I will be too!
