Leaving the Kids Behind

Brad made it really clear that he wanted me to join him in California for his last young ministers retreat in September. I quickly came up with a thousand excuses in my head, "We'll have to find someone to watch the kids. I'll have to take off some hard-earned hours from work. The time change will be exhausting!" I mean, these were real thoughts! I have a hard time taking a break, no matter how much I need one. I think breaks are somewhat frowned upon in a way. It means you stopped being supermom, superworker, supercleaner of the universe. But the truth is we all need a break and we weren't made to go, go, go 24/7/365.

Maybe the easiest and most compelling excuse is that of the children. It's hard leaving kids behind because, well, I know what living with my kids is like and honestly to subject someone else to them for multiple days on end, truly makes me fear that we will blow through our potential babysitters in a few short breaths. Then we will never get a break! Yet, it was never so apparent that we needed a break from these little lovelies than one morning when we had had an incredibly long night (I'm not sure how many beds I had slept in), it had been probably 4 days since an adult conversation that lasted more than 10 minutes was had, and Brad was just going to kiss me while we had 5 seconds alone in the kitchen while breakfast was toasting. It was like we had set off the invisible radar our children some how possess because as I remember it, the closer he leaned in the faster the sound of feet approached. Isaiah didn't say much, just came into the kitchen and let out an ear-piercing shriek of "EEEEHHH!" So much for that! A quick peck on the cheek and we were back to Mommy and Daddy!

We stress to our children the importance that Mommy and Daddy have our time, but they just don't get it! We actually have to tell the boys we are going to a meeting when we head out on a date because they (maybe just Isaiah), go ballistic. My guess is he will soon realize that I don't really clean up as nicely for actual meetings as I do on dates, but then again, he does possess the XY genes and this may not cross his mind for years. All this being said, I'm not sure why I wasn't jumping on the next plane to Timbuktu to be with my husband!

I'm a good at prioritizing daily life things, but in the grand scheme of life, sometimes, a lot of times, I miss the forest for the trees. I needed a break from the kids, the kids needed a break from me. I needed to spend a full day with my husband without having to wipe a bottom, stay up past my bedtime because I'm a responsible adult, and my CHILDREN ARE STILL AWAKE! I needed to have a conversation that didn't end in a whiny request that was completely absurd. I needed a break from work. And most importantly, I needed to be reminded how good being married to someone I genuinely love and have fun with is!

Leaving the kids behind is not going to send them to therapy for years.  In fact, it will probably save them some. "Doctor, I don't know what happened. All I know is one day when I was four and my brother was 2, I was upset about the 4th pair of underwear my mother had pick out that morning and she literally ran out of the house screaming and pulling her hair out!" Yes. let's get some perspective here! This trip allowed me to read a book, sit alone in silence for 5 hours, have consecutive meals with my husband, talk about the future and goals, say I love you without shrieks heard in the background, and yes, we even kissed without children showing up! I needed this. I had so completely convinced myself  that I didn't, that I felt like I was betraying someone by even agreeing to get on a plane.

I was betraying someone. It was myself. It was my marriage. And it is so easy to do this. I didn't need to fly across country to get a break (but I'm sure glad I did!). The break is what was needed. Our culture doesn't know how to break. We are still connected even when we go away. We can easily allow ourselves to wrap up in the busy-ness that we never break free of it. Marriages fail because we can't make time for them. Fortunately, I have a good marriage and listen when Brad thinks something is important. P.S. He's usually right!

Some of you need to leave the kids behind. Or maybe that's not your stronghold, maybe it's your job, or your current situation. Whatever it is, break from it for a moment. Have a minute to just be quiet. If you are anything like me, that is extremely difficult. My brain doesn't just quit because I want it to. But sometimes when I'm not in the middle of chaos, I can get some clarity on the bajillion things that seem to be so important all the time. So if you will excuse me, I now have to pack to go back to the wonderful blessings. I appreciate them so much more and now have a better, stronger relationship with my partner in crime to go face potty-training, several changes of underwear each morning, swallowing unknown amounts of change, and sleeping with little feet in my back. These are the moments. I wouldn't change them for anything, but sometimes it's good to take a break!

Why I’m secretly Glad My Kids Don’t Want to go to School

Just like any parent, I’m worried about my children’s education. In our city, we have almost as many private schools as public and the debate on where to send your child begins en utero. We bought a house specifically for the elementary school. So, yeah, I believe school is important. Insert being raised in a family of educators and the pressure is on. My kids have to thrive in school.

Currently, we send our little men to a wonderful daycare. They have a curriculum that is wonderful and the staff is amazing. But Isaiah (and then Bennett, because big brother is always to be the example) will sometimes wake up and say, “I don’t wanna go to school today.” Brad and I are quick to explain and remind him of how much he likes school and usually by the time we arrive at the door he’s singing the praises of his class, teachers, and playtime.

This bothered me for quite a while. Things like, “Is he going to hate school, not put forth any effort, fail, have to deal with failure, feel like a failure, decide he couldn’t possibly make anything of himself in this world, and never amount to anything?” You can see that the slope is ever so slippery! We parents take a simple statement and make it into a life choice that will affect every potential aspect of our child’s future.

The other day, a new understanding (and I think a better one) was divinely revealed to me. This revelation makes more sense then the doomsday prophesy I was basing off my young son’s statement. It occurred to me that maybe he didn’t want to go to school because he has fun with his family. He likes to be and do things with us!

We have our days when Brad and I are exhausted and a movie is our savior, but a lot of times, we are out doing things, going to the aquarium, museums, and birthday parties. My kids and I traveled to Michigan and they get to run around with sparklers, see farm animals, “drive” semis, go to the splash park, and swim in Gigi’s pool. On the weekends, we take the boys out to eat and we try to get together with friends as much as possible. Just writing all of this makes me kind of wish I didn’t have to go to work either!

You see, I am a tad proud my children are enjoying their childhood this much! Home should be a place they want to be and come back to. When I taught 4^th and 5^th grade, I would notice the children who didn’t have a home life. The closer we got to the weekend, the more problems they had, and the more they acted out. They didn’t want to face the weekend because it might mean no food for the next two days, an abusive family member who they had to be subject to 24/7, or it may have meant just being left alone to take care of their three little siblings. Those children wanted to stay in school because it was safe, there was food, and there were adults who cared.

So I have shifted my views on this whole thing. And I’m not going to worry when he doesn’t want to go to school, because the truth is, it’s not that he doesn’t want to go to school, it’s that he just doesn’t want to miss an opportunity to make another memory. This is wonderful! In this life where so much emphasis is put on “the daily grind,” I want my children to have experiences that give them a broader respect for the world around them. I want them to know that their success is not determined by how well they stay still and how many A’s their report card has. I want them to have experiences that teach them that people are more important than things, and money buys a whole lot of problems, so use it wisely. These are things that may be touched upon inside the school walls, but these are most certainly things that have been entrusted to me as a parent. So, while we are still going to be responsible parents and send our child out to have his own experiences, I can’t help but be a little proud that he likes spending time with his family more than anything else!  

Celebration

I woke up early this morning, before any children, before any adults. This is unusual because most mornings are helter-skelter, "get your socks on!", "brush your teeth!" blurs. This is a good morning because it sits on the eve of Isaiah's 4th birthday party. He will officially turn 4 on September 16th. I try to go back to this time 4 years ago. and it's really hard to image life. We had just moved to a brand-new city. We were working on getting a nursery ready in this quaint little house and I was done with school and had no job. We were "just the two of us" about to set off on this adventure of lifetime.

Isaiah was actually due September 10th, but that day came and went and the anticipation grew. The unknown of the whole "having a baby thing" was a bit overwhelming. I had delivered babies and had assisted in multiple births, but I was never the one going through it. We had taken a birthing class (for the benefit of Brad, of course), but still the anxiety of when contractions would start, what my pain tolerance actually was, how long labor was going to last were all swirling in my head, every second of the day.

And then on the morning of the 15th, I started having contractions. Nothing uncomfortable, just different from what I was feeling every other day of the last 41 weeks. I was scheduled to be induced that night so God's timing was perfect, He was preparing a way! And then after about 10 hours in true labor, I held this little precious boy in my arms. He would stick his tongue out like he was trying to taste his first moments of life. He didn't cry all that much and would snuggle up in the crevice of my arms. And my whole world changed.

This child would put my life in fast forward, making it hard to feel like I was able to keep my head above water some days, and making me wish I could rewind so many others. He grew and he evolved into this person with actual opinions and desires. Walking by 10 months, speaking full sentences by 13 months, and becoming a big brother by 22 months.

I was not prepared for the growing up. There are still so many days I worry about teenager years, and bullies (whether he will be one, or the victim, neither would be my choice). Even now when he tells me someone has hurt him, I'm ready to fight the world for him. But I know, he's got so many battles ahead that only he can fight. And as much as I want to make a bubble and force him into it, I know that he cannot know this world's awesomeness, sadness, and beauty unless he experiences it for himself.

So today and this weekend and all over next week I am going to celebrate this little man. I am going to treasure the fact that he still scoots over to me to run his fingers through my hair (his own version of his security blanket). I'm going to relish the fact that he likes to make lists even though he can't write yet. I'm going to take comfort in the fact that he knows there's a God who loves him and other people. I am going to laugh when he tells me things like, "When I was coming out of your belly, Daddy had to pull the plug, right?" (P.S. I don't know where he got this!). I'm going enjoy the times he plays with his brother without fighting after 5 minutes. And I'm going to keep on loving him, no matter what, no matter his choices, no matter his future grades, or picks of girlfriends, because he was a gift and one that is so intricate that I have to stop to see all the minute things that it holds.

As we mourn the day of September 11th, and as my small hometown struggles with an unexpected loss of a high school student, I cannot stop thinking of how precious this life is. The last two nights I went to bed just thinking about what the next would be like without my kids or family. The thought was so overwhelming I had to think about something else almost immediately. So that is why I am choosing to celebrate. The party planning and organizing are ridiculous and my perfectionist tendencies will mean hours of prep today and tomorrow, but I will chose to celebrate. And right now in the quiet of this house, as the dawn breaks around me, I know that celebrating is a way to honor all of the times that seems so difficult, because it is a new day, and a new chance to go out and show this messy world some love.

One Eye, One Horn, I think I am a people-pleaser

Ok, DISCLAIMER: I do not have one eye, nor do I have a horn. Although, I think that both of those things would make me infinitely more cool to my two young sons. However, I am a people-pleaser and have been my whole life.

Be a part of the clean-plate club, you say? I will eat everything on this plate if it makes you happy. Can you do X, Y, Z for me? Of course, if that will mean you like me more. The list goes on and on. People-pleasing is even integrated into my job. I get quarterly reviews on how patients believe I'm doing. Now mind you, I may really tick them off because those hydros... you're not getting them, and that was their whole intent in our appointment, but I get rated by them none-the-less.

People-pleasing wouldn't be such a bad thing if it didn't make me so anxious and nervous. Maybe some could argue that it is just a sign that I care, but in a lot of ways, it's a sign of an obsession. An obsession with the thought, if I make no one displeased with me, I've somehow won their approval. It has become evident as I continue traveling on this life's journey that I have allowed it to create an unhealthy relationship with those who opinions are not going to matter when I look back at the course of my life.

Here are a few examples, and maybe some will resonate with of few of you who read this:

1. When I was teaching 4th grade in North Carolina, I had a particularly hard student who I wanted to "change" for the better. I put in loads of energy into this kid and his response was just to scream in my face. So a parent-teacher-principal meeting was called. And the whole week that lead up to that morning, my stomach turned and I hardly ate. My heart would race as I anticipated what I needed to say to this parent. And while the meeting was important and I needed to assure this mother that I cared about her son, his actions were unacceptable and needed consequences. I didn't need to impress her. I didn't need her to like me, but I wanted her to.

2.  Another example is a patient I had a few years back. This man was very sick, had no insurance, but also was an alcoholic and non-compliant on his medications. He was WAY outside my scope of practicing medicine, but I knew I was "it" for him. I had to let him go as a patient because he wasn't interested in following my medical advice. Now, sometimes we send a patient a dismissal letter, but mostly I try to speak with them face-to-face so they know that I do care about their well-being, but I cannot continue as their PA. This situation also lead to sleepless nights, stomach upset and a heightened anxiety. The day came for his appointment, and in my slightly shaky voice, I told him I couldn't see him any more. His response was, "That's okay, I just got insurance, so I was going to switch providers anyway!" WHAT?!!? You were going to switch anyway, after all I had done? I had lost sleep over you, man! And you are so quick to dismiss me?

See that's the problem with people-pleasing. A lot of times it's one-sided. A lot of times people do need to hear the blunt truth along with the warm fuzzy things. Making everyone think you are kind, sweet and generous is wonderful but I have to be careful that those attributes don't turn into push-over, insomniac, and maybe the worst, a liar. Having an opinion is important, and in the end, giving people exactly what they want to hear doesn't do a whole lot for forging healthy relationships.

Maybe the part that bothers me the most, is that, because I want to please everybody, I don't stand up for those who need a person in their corner. It's like I become apathetic. Social media is wrought with people who are willing to start an argument just to take a side. Usually it's religious or political. And a lot of times I choose not to participate, but it isn't because I have some high moral code of not entering into petty arguments. The real reason is because I don't want to lose someone as a friend because I have a viewpoint that is different than theirs. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's truth! And some of you would argue, well, they weren't your friend in the first place. But I can't let go of that need to please everyone.

In many ways, that's why I'm starting to write. That's why I chose this forum as my mouthpiece. Because I hope that instead of a headline or short Facebook statement, a more thought-out, rational viewpoint can be expressed. You know, like before this whole interweb deal came into existence.  My "friends" on Facebook and other social media are so much more complex than what they post online (at least I hope this is true for all of you that only post memes and pictures of your dinner plate!). And the truth is, I am pretty complex too. I have a reason that I believe in certain things, mainly because of my experiences, and that is true about so many others too.

God made me a little more concerned about what others think because he also made me concerned about people in general.  I want to support my gay friends as they fight for equality. I want to show my black friends and patients that I care that young black boys are getting killed in this country. I want to be a voice for the uninsured and those stricken in poverty because it's not always so easy to just go out and get a job. I've probably made some of you mad just by writing the last few sentences or at least want to take issue with my viewpoints. And I'm still worried about what you think! However, I've come to the realization that this is not going to change. I still want your approval and I will still have sleepless nights before hard conversations are had. But, I'm getting better. My voice doesn't shake so much when I have these conversations, and I only run to the bathroom 2 or 3 times before an intense meeting. I have accepted that pleasing everybody is not healthy but having relationships and caring for others IS healthy. My prayer now is that I stand proud in who I am, and I take comfort that I can be a voice for those who may not have one. The truth is that for years I've been friends with people who don't agree with me on a lot of things, but I value them as a person.

I want to be more than a people-pleaser, because now I'm tackling my biggest role to date, that of Mommy. I want my sons to have the courage to stick up for someone even though the popular kids or their friends or even their parents don't approve. I want them to see this modeled in me and it cannot happen if I'm too busy pleasing everyone else. I want to be the person that sees an injustice and does something about it, not just talks or posts about it. What that means for the internal struggle I battle with of trying to make everyone happy and doing the right thing, I do not know? But for every battle that goes on in my own head, for as many scenarios for which I can conjure an outcome, the one new thing I am doing now is trusting that if I do the right thing, the consequences of whether people are pleased will be insignificant.