Celebration

I woke up early this morning, before any children, before any adults. This is unusual because most mornings are helter-skelter, "get your socks on!", "brush your teeth!" blurs. This is a good morning because it sits on the eve of Isaiah's 4th birthday party. He will officially turn 4 on September 16th. I try to go back to this time 4 years ago. and it's really hard to image life. We had just moved to a brand-new city. We were working on getting a nursery ready in this quaint little house and I was done with school and had no job. We were "just the two of us" about to set off on this adventure of lifetime.

Isaiah was actually due September 10th, but that day came and went and the anticipation grew. The unknown of the whole "having a baby thing" was a bit overwhelming. I had delivered babies and had assisted in multiple births, but I was never the one going through it. We had taken a birthing class (for the benefit of Brad, of course), but still the anxiety of when contractions would start, what my pain tolerance actually was, how long labor was going to last were all swirling in my head, every second of the day.

And then on the morning of the 15th, I started having contractions. Nothing uncomfortable, just different from what I was feeling every other day of the last 41 weeks. I was scheduled to be induced that night so God's timing was perfect, He was preparing a way! And then after about 10 hours in true labor, I held this little precious boy in my arms. He would stick his tongue out like he was trying to taste his first moments of life. He didn't cry all that much and would snuggle up in the crevice of my arms. And my whole world changed.

This child would put my life in fast forward, making it hard to feel like I was able to keep my head above water some days, and making me wish I could rewind so many others. He grew and he evolved into this person with actual opinions and desires. Walking by 10 months, speaking full sentences by 13 months, and becoming a big brother by 22 months.

I was not prepared for the growing up. There are still so many days I worry about teenager years, and bullies (whether he will be one, or the victim, neither would be my choice). Even now when he tells me someone has hurt him, I'm ready to fight the world for him. But I know, he's got so many battles ahead that only he can fight. And as much as I want to make a bubble and force him into it, I know that he cannot know this world's awesomeness, sadness, and beauty unless he experiences it for himself.

So today and this weekend and all over next week I am going to celebrate this little man. I am going to treasure the fact that he still scoots over to me to run his fingers through my hair (his own version of his security blanket). I'm going to relish the fact that he likes to make lists even though he can't write yet. I'm going to take comfort in the fact that he knows there's a God who loves him and other people. I am going to laugh when he tells me things like, "When I was coming out of your belly, Daddy had to pull the plug, right?" (P.S. I don't know where he got this!). I'm going enjoy the times he plays with his brother without fighting after 5 minutes. And I'm going to keep on loving him, no matter what, no matter his choices, no matter his future grades, or picks of girlfriends, because he was a gift and one that is so intricate that I have to stop to see all the minute things that it holds.

As we mourn the day of September 11th, and as my small hometown struggles with an unexpected loss of a high school student, I cannot stop thinking of how precious this life is. The last two nights I went to bed just thinking about what the next would be like without my kids or family. The thought was so overwhelming I had to think about something else almost immediately. So that is why I am choosing to celebrate. The party planning and organizing are ridiculous and my perfectionist tendencies will mean hours of prep today and tomorrow, but I will chose to celebrate. And right now in the quiet of this house, as the dawn breaks around me, I know that celebrating is a way to honor all of the times that seems so difficult, because it is a new day, and a new chance to go out and show this messy world some love.