Ok, DISCLAIMER: I do not have one eye, nor do I have a horn. Although, I think that both of those things would make me infinitely more cool to my two young sons. However, I am a people-pleaser and have been my whole life.
Be a part of the clean-plate club, you say? I will eat everything on this plate if it makes you happy. Can you do X, Y, Z for me? Of course, if that will mean you like me more. The list goes on and on. People-pleasing is even integrated into my job. I get quarterly reviews on how patients believe I'm doing. Now mind you, I may really tick them off because those hydros... you're not getting them, and that was their whole intent in our appointment, but I get rated by them none-the-less.
People-pleasing wouldn't be such a bad thing if it didn't make me so anxious and nervous. Maybe some could argue that it is just a sign that I care, but in a lot of ways, it's a sign of an obsession. An obsession with the thought, if I make no one displeased with me, I've somehow won their approval. It has become evident as I continue traveling on this life's journey that I have allowed it to create an unhealthy relationship with those who opinions are not going to matter when I look back at the course of my life.
Here are a few examples, and maybe some will resonate with of few of you who read this:
1. When I was teaching 4th grade in North Carolina, I had a particularly hard student who I wanted to "change" for the better. I put in loads of energy into this kid and his response was just to scream in my face. So a parent-teacher-principal meeting was called. And the whole week that lead up to that morning, my stomach turned and I hardly ate. My heart would race as I anticipated what I needed to say to this parent. And while the meeting was important and I needed to assure this mother that I cared about her son, his actions were unacceptable and needed consequences. I didn't need to impress her. I didn't need her to like me, but I wanted her to.
2. Another example is a patient I had a few years back. This man was very sick, had no insurance, but also was an alcoholic and non-compliant on his medications. He was WAY outside my scope of practicing medicine, but I knew I was "it" for him. I had to let him go as a patient because he wasn't interested in following my medical advice. Now, sometimes we send a patient a dismissal letter, but mostly I try to speak with them face-to-face so they know that I do care about their well-being, but I cannot continue as their PA. This situation also lead to sleepless nights, stomach upset and a heightened anxiety. The day came for his appointment, and in my slightly shaky voice, I told him I couldn't see him any more. His response was, "That's okay, I just got insurance, so I was going to switch providers anyway!" WHAT?!!? You were going to switch anyway, after all I had done? I had lost sleep over you, man! And you are so quick to dismiss me?
See that's the problem with people-pleasing. A lot of times it's one-sided. A lot of times people do need to hear the blunt truth along with the warm fuzzy things. Making everyone think you are kind, sweet and generous is wonderful but I have to be careful that those attributes don't turn into push-over, insomniac, and maybe the worst, a liar. Having an opinion is important, and in the end, giving people exactly what they want to hear doesn't do a whole lot for forging healthy relationships.
Maybe the part that bothers me the most, is that, because I want to please everybody, I don't stand up for those who need a person in their corner. It's like I become apathetic. Social media is wrought with people who are willing to start an argument just to take a side. Usually it's religious or political. And a lot of times I choose not to participate, but it isn't because I have some high moral code of not entering into petty arguments. The real reason is because I don't want to lose someone as a friend because I have a viewpoint that is different than theirs. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's truth! And some of you would argue, well, they weren't your friend in the first place. But I can't let go of that need to please everyone.
In many ways, that's why I'm starting to write. That's why I chose this forum as my mouthpiece. Because I hope that instead of a headline or short Facebook statement, a more thought-out, rational viewpoint can be expressed. You know, like before this whole interweb deal came into existence. My "friends" on Facebook and other social media are so much more complex than what they post online (at least I hope this is true for all of you that only post memes and pictures of your dinner plate!). And the truth is, I am pretty complex too. I have a reason that I believe in certain things, mainly because of my experiences, and that is true about so many others too.
God made me a little more concerned about what others think because he also made me concerned about people in general. I want to support my gay friends as they fight for equality. I want to show my black friends and patients that I care that young black boys are getting killed in this country. I want to be a voice for the uninsured and those stricken in poverty because it's not always so easy to just go out and get a job. I've probably made some of you mad just by writing the last few sentences or at least want to take issue with my viewpoints. And I'm still worried about what you think! However, I've come to the realization that this is not going to change. I still want your approval and I will still have sleepless nights before hard conversations are had. But, I'm getting better. My voice doesn't shake so much when I have these conversations, and I only run to the bathroom 2 or 3 times before an intense meeting. I have accepted that pleasing everybody is not healthy but having relationships and caring for others IS healthy. My prayer now is that I stand proud in who I am, and I take comfort that I can be a voice for those who may not have one. The truth is that for years I've been friends with people who don't agree with me on a lot of things, but I value them as a person.
I want to be more than a people-pleaser, because now I'm tackling my biggest role to date, that of Mommy. I want my sons to have the courage to stick up for someone even though the popular kids or their friends or even their parents don't approve. I want them to see this modeled in me and it cannot happen if I'm too busy pleasing everyone else. I want to be the person that sees an injustice and does something about it, not just talks or posts about it. What that means for the internal struggle I battle with of trying to make everyone happy and doing the right thing, I do not know? But for every battle that goes on in my own head, for as many scenarios for which I can conjure an outcome, the one new thing I am doing now is trusting that if I do the right thing, the consequences of whether people are pleased will be insignificant.
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