Today we are in Nashville for the wedding of two close
friends. I love going to weddings because it is always a time when I think
about my own marriage. Upfront I want you to know that I have a great
marriage. Brad and I put a lot of work
in upfront, with pre-marital counseling and living away from our family the
first few years of marriage, to get to this point. We became a married couple
before we became parents, which worked well for us because we needed to know
each other’s strengths and weaknesses before we took on parenthood. But like everything else in life, it’s not
perfect. We get ridiculous every now and again. My big, loud mouth likes to be
heard and mainly that leaves me unable to listen over my own dull roar. Then there
are days that I get overwhelmed and feel underappreciated as I clean the
kitchen, bathroom, and living room for what seems like the 50th time
this week all for it to look like Sherman’s March had occurred shortly after I
left the area. These times are not the
majority, but I wonder sometimes if my friends think they are. You see, like many people, I join in the
banter, or maybe I should call it bashing, of my spouse when I’m out with
friends and acquaintances.
Brad is a pretty amazing guy. In fact, there are
several days where I sit and think, “God, I’m lucky because a lot of people
search for their perfect match and I’ve found mine!” But when I’m around my
friends, especially if it is just women, the “ball and chain” mentality seems
to emerge. I start complaining about how he’s this or that and why hasn’t he
mastered the art of mind-reading so he can do all the things I’m secretly
trying to convey to him through ESP. Then the explosion of other wives and
girlfriends tends to chime in too. It’s easy to point out our significant
other’s flaws. It’s easy to nitpick about all the things that don’t get done, but it is so much harder
to stay positive, to illuminate the amazing person, dad, and husband that he
is.
Now don’t get me wrong, there are times when sometimes
I need to vent about my angst that the car keys are yet again upstairs in his
pants pocket whilst I’m running late for work. But there are so many
opportunities to speak to the love, dedication, and work that Brad puts into
our marriage, but they go unsaid. It’s discouraging to me the mockery we make
of marriage. We think we can berate it, make it a big joke, and that it’s
socially acceptable because everyone else is doing it. Meanwhile, these little
jabs and pokes by our sharp tongues are slowly breaking our unions apart.
I’m lucky because I get called out on the meanness
(very politely) when we are out and I say something that just rips at his
spirit. I didn’t realize how easy it was to “ball and chain” my marriage, when
it is so many more things. Men don’t get off the hook here either. I’ve heard plenty about So and So’s wife
nagging them to death, making their life miserable, and shopping too much. And
that’s how we portray our beloved to the world! Yikes! Is it a wonder that we
don’t respect marriage so much anymore? We barely respect each other!
Marriage is hard enough. Some days we don’t say
nice things to each other at all. Sometimes the irritation blinds me to the
wonderful things I have. Sometimes the kids have driven me crazier than normal
and I cannot be around another living being because my soul has been sucked
away for the day. But that day is not to be categorized into the back of my
head to be brought back up during several more occasions or to get a good laugh
at my husband’s expense.
I am the queen of put-downs and as I said, I get
called out on it. I do it mainly in groups, trying to impress, and Brad has
definitely said, “You said, X, Y, Z and that isn’t okay.” I’m really trying.
I’m not very good at it yet. It’s so easy to make a joke or put someone else
down for my own gratification. OMG! Am I a bully? This is another whole blog
post waiting to happen. What I am, is lucky enough to have a marriage where I
can be told this and not hold it against him. Because I still struggle with
this, I try to be more sensitive to this in groups and situations. I still
share in the snowball of husband-bashing occasionally, but I’m really try to
stop and say something positive, to stand up for my side-kick through life.
The truth is, our marriage is fortified when we brag on each
other in public. Just like we show our kids a united front, we have to show
each other that we are in this together.
I know I like getting
complimented, recognized and loved on, and so does my husband. It means even
more if I’m willing to share that with the rest of the world. And really, the
reaction, the edification that matters is his,
not my friends’, not my family’s. So when he’s caught me bragging on him a bit
I see a gleam in his eyes, his chest swells a little, and his posture changes. And I wonder for a split second if he can read my mind. If
we have finally reached a point where I can just look at him and he knows I
love him and his thoughts have become my thoughts. But then I see the t-shirts
are still on the bedroom floor and I realize maybe I just need to ask him to pick them up!
No comments:
Post a Comment