Church is never just a job. While I have the luxury of going home and leaving most of my work at the office, Brad has never been able to separate home/work life. He's not meant to either, because church and spirit and life are suppose to be intertwined. That's why as we embark on this journey of following God's call away from our current beloved church home, I am dreading the thought of saying good-bye.
This church was heaven-sent. Brad was basically a phone call away from leaving the ministry 5 years ago. But we found this little church on a busy thoroughfare in Chattanooga that loved us so well. It helped us bring two babies into existence and then loved them with all that they had. It has given me women and confidantes who have helped me and supported me through the roughest year of my life. We have been encouraged and supported and cared for so abundantly, that the thought of hurting anyone almost paralyzes me and makes me hesitate our next move.
We ARE moving. Our children know and while they don't truly understand what we are leaving behind, they are excited for the next adventure. The awkwardness of this move is that we are so content with where we are that it almost seems ridiculous to leave. But that is where church differs too. When God sends word to you that his spirit is fluid and there are others that you must, "Go and make disciples" of there is a very human instinct to not listen. But we have always erred on the side of God knows what is best and He provides us with opportunities even if we are not looking.
The call to a new church is unlike anything comparable in the business realm. I will tell my co-workers that we are moving and they will be sad and wish me the best in my new position. There will probably be a send-off celebration and all will leave feeling good about the parting. But church is like a family member. They did not see this end of a true relationship coming, so feelings will be hurt and in many ways some will not wish us a fond farewell. I understand this, because we have shared births, deaths, job loss, family catastrophes, celebrations of hope renewed, and we sometimes just clung to each other because we didn't know where else to turn. The part of remaining mum on our calling to another place has been extremely hard, because I like to put all my chips on the table and rationalize all the thoughts, the hours of prayer, the contemplation, and finally the clarity that comes from following God's will for our lives. But it is essential to the process that our current church family know that we are still 100% dedicated and for them even though God has started preparing our hearts for a change, so the silence of our decision making remained intact.
There is a paradox of feelings: sadness for the comfort and safety of leaving our present church family behind and the excitement of what is to come, dreading the good-byes while welcoming new hellos, preparation to leave the only home my two boys can remember and the search for a new place. It is hard to feel like I have the right to be excited about this because there is so much of what we hold as truths right now that will be missing from a new place. Yet God is present in all of this. His love for his people knows no boundaries and we live in this crazy world of Facebook, Skype, and air travel that make seeing those we live far from more easy.
The decision to move to Chattanooga was easy. We were having a child and our family was here. We would be close to Nashville and we were beyond excited to be in the same city as Brad's brother, sister-in-law and nephew. That is the hardest part about this next step. We will be moving to a place where, once again, no family lives. We don't have the security of calling at a moments notice and having Mohm show up to take care of the grandkids. We cannot call up our nephew for a play date the next night. This part breaks my heart because I cherish the closeness of family so much. I want my kids to know they are not just house guests on a whirlwind trip to the relatives. I pray that their bonds with their cousin, aunt, uncle, and grandparents grows stronger than ever. But I know nothing is guaranteed, and we are determined to try our hardest to preserve those relationships and are making a point to prioritize traveling back to visit family, both mine and the McDowells.
I want people to know that it is okay to feel hurt and betrayed. I want them to understand that this was a prayerful, unexpected decision on our part. I never want anyone for one second to think that we were disgruntled or were searching for "something better". The truth is ministry doesn't usually allow a minister to just get a job across town (I know there are some examples where this does happen). Ministry usually means a major upheaval in the congregation and in the minister's family's lives. Everyone is left with a sense of uneasiness as the thought of pulpit committees and interims weigh heavy on the those who have loved other ministers and seen them move on know wholeheartedly. My hope in all these feelings of excitement, hurt, anxiety, love, is that each step is touched by God's presence. I pray that our current church knows what a gem they are and that they realize what a saving grace they were to us. They were the mother that bandaged some pretty significant wounds and helped us flourish into competent teens. And much like a teenager leaving home for college, we are on edge about the next step, but pretty sure a leap of faith is necessary.
The awkwardness of this situation has prompted complete trust in God, constant praying for those who this news will jolt and those who are waiting for us to come, and trusting that in the end we will leave being better people than the ones who came together five years ago. My excitement is to see God's kingdom being woven across all these miles that we have already traveled on our path and I know that one day, as we join together in Heaven, we can look back and say, we were God's kingdom together on Earth.
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