How Do I Get There From Here...

I am a perfectionist at heart, always wanting things just so.  For a long time it was the perfect body or coolest clothes, but when those things didn't work out (I didn't have the perfect body, thus I was forced into the husky tier of clothes, and most shopping trips ended with me vowing to go on a strict water only diet) I decided to perfect other things, grades, sports, and eventually I did go to the extreme with my body, dropping forty pounds my senior year with a diet of little to no calories, over-the-counter weight loss pills and running for hours at a time.  I'm not sure where my ideals come from, probably the media as it is evident that subliminal messages are always lurking in the black hole of tv, magazines, and now the internet, however, my friends were pretty amazing, skinny, and beautiful. But what has become SO, SO clear is that although what I want to perfect changes, that feeling of falling short never changes. Now, the perfection lingers in thoughts like, "how can I advance my career while raising two strong boys who I don't want to be bullies but I also don't want to be so tender-hearted that the world's crushing blows will crush them."  It's exhausting! I want the perfect house, every room done to the point it could be featured in a magazine (again God laughed at this and we bought a house that sat vacant 2 years, was 30 years old and had several issues). I want be an example as a pastor's wife, even though I feel my faith can be shaky-at-best sometimes.  And so, I came from a place of thinking that I could do it, no, conquer it all, have everything and the bag of chips and a side of cake.

Of course, life has these ways of throwing all of that back into your face. Letting you know that you control hardly anything and that you might as well just strap on in for the ride, 'cause it gets bumpy.  I have always tried to be a forward-thinker, knowing that "this too shall pass" but I was not prepared for what the last 2 years were about to show me.  First I had my second little boy. We named him Bennett Asher McDowell. That's right BAM are his initials and this has proven to be prophetic.  He's the sweetest, most loving and crazy kid I know. A total 180 from his brother and his mother. And then the depression came. Lots of crying, doubting, just not being me. Brad took the brunt of it because a perfect shell must never crack to outsiders.  My family saw it a little. It was horrible. Here I was, someone who has the depression conversation at least once a week with a patient, and I couldn't get myself out of it. Now I believe that God works miracles and that He can be called on in times like this, but I also believe that God has gifted scientists to make wonderful medication to get people feeling better and back to serving each other. However, I couldn't see that for myself. Brad encouraged me to seek out help, and I made a phone call, but never got anyone on the line. I think it was in that moment, although I never did go to a psychiatrist, that I realized I just needed to admit that I was going through this fog and I was not perfect.

I think the hardest thing for me through that was I had perspective. I should be happy because...I have a house and food in my fridge, I have an awesome job, I have good friends and supportive family, I have these beautiful children who were born without disabilities and are so smart and so amazing. I mean, GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD and LIVE!!!! But I couldn't because I wasn't okay. I had those things but I let the little things bother me and I couldn't let go of them. I had to be honest (catching a theme here) and tell somebody that I wasn't right, life wasn't right for me at that moment.  And when I finally let the perfect shell crack, light came in! I was able to see all those things for what they were: Grace and Love! I was so busy trying to hold it together that I had just held onto the darkness.

So if I could impart something to anyone who is going through something like this or has gone through something like this, it's this: Life was not made to be perfect, and if we are trying to make everyday into some idol of perfectionism, we will not get there. We don't hold all the cards in this game! We are just a player that has to play with what we get dealt! And ultimately, seek out help. Start with a friend, someone you trust. Chances are they've been through something similar either themselves or with another loved one. We don't rely on others as much as we should. Forrest Gump and Bubba had it right, we need to lean on each other a little more in this world so we can stay up together! And pray! The prayers you pray may not get answered but it opens a dialogue. It allows your soul to sigh and wrench and ultimately an answer may come. And drugs (the prescription kind, the other kind may make things worse), they work too and you don't have to take them forever! They are there because the chemicals in your brain are truly misfiring and just like you'd let someone shock your heart back into rhythm, sometimes our conciousness needs the same chance.

I guess most importantly with this post, what I want heard is that you are not alone. You are never alone. These words, I hope, are evidence of that. Someone out in the universe is waiting to be a healthy partner in this world for you. Whether it's a spouse, a friend, or a post on the internet, there is always arms reaching out to keep you from falling, but sometimes we have to crack first before we can see it!

Blessings,
Lisa