The Why

I have so many things, words, opinions floating in my head that sometimes I feel like I can't sleep at night (and I actually can't sleep at night). There are things that don't get said or done in my usual circles of medicine and church and family and friends that I needed a place to go, to be honest and to hopefully find someone else to resonate with.

I titled this blog the Unidentified Caroler because when I was about 5 years old, my small hometown always had a Christmas tree lighting and carols. It was a wonderful tradition and my family attended it yearly. Well, that year, my mom, sister and I appeared on the front page of the local paper. However, when my mom was contacted to identify the people in the photo (mind you, the reporter was only describing the picture to her over the phone) she didn't seem to know the small child in a baseball cap with the program of songs being held up to her face, only revealing her eyes. Yep, that was me! And I was dubbed the "unidentified caroler". And unfortunately, in some parts of my life, I still feel like that name is appropriate.

But in many ways I'm living a life that is far from unidentified. I have an identity, one of a mother, wife, Christ-follower, Physician Assistant, church leader, singer, writer, mediator, and the list waxes and wanes. But sometimes I slip back behind the program and the baseball cap, because that's easier and less scary. It's a place where if I'm not out in the clear than no one is free to have commentary on my life.

So why blog? Isn't that opening myself up to a world of letting people in? Isn't that vulnerability going to hurt sometimes? Probably. But I have felt a very definitive urging from God to do more, to BE a better person in this world not just ACT like I'm a better person. I've seen the acting put on in the church and the world and in my own life and I know it doesn't go very far. It doesn't fulfill anyone or anything and a lot of times it allows us to remain empty and lonely when we thought the effort would do the opposite. I want to be a real person in a situation that makes other people realize that none of us have "it" figured out. None of us can claim a life of no grief, sadness, despair and disappointment, so why fake it?

I read a lot of blogs and books that empower women and people in general to accept this world for what it is: messy and beautiful and scary.  Momastery, Jen Hatmaker, Anne Lamott, Scary Mommy, all these women have illuminated a wonderful world of honesty and generosity.  They've never once said they have it all figured out, because they know they don't and that they can't do it all alone. It takes being honest with ourselves to truly overcome some of the roadblocks we've put in our own way.

God's been really working on me these past few years letting me know that my life wasn't going to run like I had planned because that plan wouldn't really serve His purpose. That wouldn't really serve to bridge a gap between me and others who thought I had it together (or maybe I was just hoping this was the image I was portraying). So it is here that I hope the Unidentified Caroler's identity is revealed because this is something that is not static, but constantly morphs into a new and beautiful thing. And in doing so, a lot of people will see that being honest, that loving a God that isn't confined to this world's or a few people's image. It is a better way to make a life in this world, and that sharing with each other, making ourselves into a support network is so much better than trying to be the perfect mother, wife, employee, and friend. Instead, the real version of all these roles is so much better, so much richer. So here the story begins, not the sugar-coated version but the real, honest one...